It keeps no record of wrong

Love

....my God

....my past

....myself

That's my problem. After almost a year and a half of spiritual stillness I have finally been able to come up with an explanation. Love. That's something that I've struggled with, not in a spiritual sense, for the past year and a half. But it all stems from the same thing. Choices.....not my best about a year ago. But I made them and I can't change them. But due to those choices, I slowly began to hate myself for them. With hate like that going un-acknowledge, it begins to cultivate into other areas of one's life. That's where I fell. As I slowly continued hating myself, I lost understanding as to why anyone else would love me, so I pulled myself away from those around me. Most people probably wouldn't have noticed, but I cut of my connection and comfort with people. Not only those around me either. I just sort of stopped trying with God. I never felt guilty about my choices so I just accepted that I didn't have any right to talk to Him anymore. So I stopped. After a few months I had no desire to even try. What bothered me the most was that I had no desire to want to make things in my life right. I was content to have no spiritual pull whatsoever.

I miss it. I miss Him and everything that I felt when I was close to Him. I know that sounds cliche but I'm longing for it now. I want to close my eyes and feel content and comfortable and happy in His presence. I want to have that Love so that I can express it to others. I want to be complete again so that I can be myself. Because there's people who I care about who I want to see the real me and experience the real, complete me. So far, not many people have in the past year. I even had a friend say to me one night, "Carlyn, you are one of the most beautiful girls I've ever met. But you're also one of the saddest."

How am I suppose to show love to those around me when it's obvious to them that I don't have any love for myself?

Cheeky bird.....

So, I don't know why I didn't think about posting on my blog here what I've been up to while I've been studying over seas this past month. So I'll try and do a quick update.

For the first few days we were in York, England. We walked around the town, visited a few pubs, and visited York Minster, which is gorgeous! While in York, on our last night, we saw a world premier of a play called Catcher. It's about the man who shot John Lennon.

From York we went to Edinburgh, Scotland. I love Edinburgh! I was so happy to be back! One day in Edinburgh we took a bus trip around the highlands and boat ride on Loch Ness. I didn't see Nessie this time either :-( I spent a lot of time by myself in Edinburgh actually. I was dealing with a bit and was tired of being around certain people so I walked around by myself and hung out in a cafe for a while and it was awesome. I also got tea at The Elephant House, which is the coffee shop that J.K. Rowling wrote the first 2 Harry Potter books! That was a highlight of my trip. We also went underground to a street that they have excavated and is completely natural from back in the day. It was one of the coolest things! While there, we saw a few shows from the Imaginate Childrens Theatre Festival. The first show, Martha, was amazing!! So good! The second one was Woodbeat and it was really cool and reallyneat to see that little kids watch it. The 3rd one was called Senses and was geared to high school students and it was interesting but not that great. The hostel we stayed in was so cool! You walked out the front door and right in front of you on a hill was Edinburgh Castle. The guy that worked there, Elliot, was amazing and we kind of had a flirting thing going on when we saw each other but there's a girl here on the trip, Amy, who was 'cock blocking' ridiculously! I'll say more on that later.

After Edinburgh we went to Stratford, England and saw Shakespeare's birth place, of course. We also saw Romeo & Juliet performed by the Royal Shakespeare Company. It was AMAZING. I can't begin to explain how great it was. Also while in Stratford, Will & I performed our scene from Romeo & Juliet. I had a balcony. I was in heaven for about 10 minutes. Definitaly a dream come true :-)

Once we were done in Stratford we went to Bath, England. Bath was great....except for our hostel. We stayed in a YMCA and I'm pretty sure they had a group of resident AA members living there. It was so sketch and uncomfortable. While in Bath we went to the natural spring spa there. Amazing. We also visited the ancient Roman Baths and that was really cool!

Once we left Bath we finally arrived in London...which is where I am now. We've seen so many shows it's hard to keep track. I'm sure I've missed some already. First, I'll start with that. While in London, I believe, that we've seen Posh at Royal Court Theatre, Ruined at a theatre that I can't remember, Macbeth at The Globe Theatre, Avenue Q at Wyndham Theatre and Hair at Gielgud Theatre. Posh was so good! It's about the secret society at Oxford University called The Riot Club. Ruined was a play about the civil wars going on right now in Africa.....we got to meet the cast afterwards and I got autographs. Macbeth was phenomenal! We had ground tickets so we stood the whole time in front of the stage but there was a tarp over part of the ground with holes in it to stick your heads through, and we did that, so that we couldn't see when people covered in blood were gonna pop up at random times in random places. It was awesome!! There was so much blood! It was just such a great show! Avenue Q was awesome! So funny! The actors were great and we met them afterwards and got autographs also. Hannah and I went and saw Hair and I must say, one of my favorite musicals now. It was just such a great show! AND we got to get on stage during the last song and dance with the cast! I danced on the stage of Gielgud Theatre where 3 years ago Daniel Radcliffe stood on....naked. Oh my gosh.....amazing! I can't explain the feeling and energy that was experienced at that moment. And then we met the cast afterwards. And I met Sasha Allen!! I didn't even know she was in the show until I saw her in the program at intermission. Ok, besides shows, we also did two workshops while here. We did a Shakespearean acting workshop at The Globe which was cool. And then the coolest thing was that we did a scripting workshop at Royal Court. And that workshop made me realize that I want to work at Royal Court Theatre. So I am definitely looking into some kind of summer internship there or after graduation getting some kind of job there. What Royal Court Theatre does is produce new plays. One of there shows in production right now is by a girl who is 17. So....once I get a play done and complete, I'm totally sending it in to see what happens with it. Another thing I've done while in London was get a tattoo! There will be pictures on facebook of it once I get back. It's on the left side of my torso and it reads "Thus from my lips by thine, my sin is purged." It's from Romeo & Juliet. I got it because how many times is a person going to get to perform Romeo & Juliet in Stratford?! I got to do that...and it was a dream come true. Especially since I got to perform it with such a great person and actor. Today, I found Portobello Road market and bought a few dresses, some shoes, a scarf AND two books! I got a book of Robert Browning poetry and a hand-bound copy of William Wordsworth's poetry. Once I bought those books and walked away from the booth my hand was shaking because I was so excited.

Tomorrow is our last day here. It's a free day and everyone else is doing a lot of touristy stuff. I've already done that so I really don't know what I'm going to do. I would love to find the phone booth from Harry Potter 5 where Harry and Mr. Weasley entered the Ministry of Magic. Yes, it actually exists. So, to end my last night in London, I kind of think I have a date! One of the guys that works here at the hostel, and I have been talking this whole time and my friend Amy and I are going out with them tomorrow night with a few other people. That's whatI was gonna mention about Amy "cock blocking" me like crazy. I mentioned that this guy, Robin, was flirting with me and she decided to talk to him to see if he'll flirt with her. And then, when she finds out that he thinks I'm cute, stands at the front desk and talks to him the whole night. But, she did mention to him about hanging out tomorrow night and he said that she should bring me. So.....take that Amy! Haha, but I am really excited about this "date".

That's all I can thin of for now. See you all soon!!

Warning....LOTS OF LANGUAGE!

A monologue from Ethan Cohen's "Almost An Evening". A quick summary, The God Who Judges and The God Who Loves are at a conference and they are taking turns addressing the people of the world about some problems they have with the way humans have been acting. I don't necessarily agree with Ethan Cohen having one of his versions of God be such a potty mouth, but it is to the point and kind of entertaining.

The God Who Judges: "What do we call it? What do we call it? Anyone? What do we call it, we call it the Ten Commandments. Okay? Not the Ten fucking Suggestions. They are a fucking moral imperative, you miserable sacks of shit. Now I want to see this shit observed. Okay. And this imperative - let me just clarify here because I know there's been some confusion - this is for everybody, this is not just for the Jews. This is universal shit here, you don't go, you know, Cayman Islands wherever, you know, when in Rome, oh I'll just covet the Roman neighbor's wife, her pussy doesn't count. Bullshit. That is relativistic horseshit. That is the Roman neighbor's wife's pussy fallacy and I call bullshit on that. I don't give a rat's ass where, Polynesia, they're topless, oh it's nature, they don't perceive it as sin, whatever, different cultures, the Eskimos have forty-seven words for snow - I don't give a shit. It applies to them too. This shit applies. And this is not just some guy up here talking through his asshole. I hope you numbskulls have not forgotten who decides this shit. You don't decide this deep moral shit. Or when and where it applies. Are you kidding me - with your puny fucking brains? You don't know the stage capitals and you're gonna decide this moral shit? No no. I decide, and I fucking am that Am. So don't talk to me about the fucking Roman's neighbor's wife. Dipshits. Okay. Then there's the whining. I want less of the whining. I don't know why this pissing and moaning has gotten so bad lately. I mean, we've always had some candybutts, but now it's everybody. And it's worse in these cities here. You people going to shows, this is the kind of people where it's worse. So if the shoe fits. You know, "My parents were withholding. You weren't there for me. Daddy use to curse at me," all this crap. And not just you-ruined-my-life shit. Little things. Parking. Fuck, parking. "Oh, it took us so long to park." You know, you sons of bitches used to walk. Or ride asses. And you're gonna drive a fucking Lexus here and bitch about having to spend ten minutes parking? Are you fucking shitting me? Okay, next time try riding an ass to the show. See how comfortable that is. See if you wanna bitch about finding a spot then, ya buncha fucking crybabies. Fuck, maybe you'd like me to follow you through your whole cushy ass life with a parking spot, kick it along after you like your suitcase in line at the airport so you never have to drive around turning your head to the left and right. And maybe you want grapes dropped in your mouth too, pitless, and the girls with the feather fans, and maybe a little piece of velvet, maybe this big, you want it grazed back and forth across your buttocks very gently at all times to make you feel just exactly perfect. Is that fucking sufficient? You got nothing else to whine about now? Have I taken care of all of your desires to your absolute total fucking satisfaction you kvetching little shits? Okay, and then there's the weird shit. I don't even know what to call it but I think you all know what I'm talking about. So I want you to fucking cut it out. Like the body piercing. What in the name of fuck is that? Made in my image right? And you're gonna what, put metal rings through it? This, by you, is an improvement? And through the lips, and the nipples now? I mean the ears, the pierced ears, I didn't like it but I held my tongue. But this? And now, through the penis, some of you people, and the vulvas? What next, hitting yourselves in the heads with fishbats? You say, well, body piercing, it isn't forbidden - well, some shit I never told you not to do because WHO'S GONNA DO THIS? Are you fucking nuts? I gotta tell you not to stick metal rings in your vulvas? What, for your car keys? You don't have pockets? This weird shit, I'm sorry, I'm lost. So, let's just knock it off. So, there's that. But sin - before I turn the floor over, I gotta repeat, lest I leave the wrong impression - serious sin, this is still my main beef with you people - false God, neighbor's wife, et cetera. The other stuff - body piercing, huffing gasoline, betting on chicken fights - what are you doing? But that is nothing to this sin shit that you fuckheads persist in pulling each and every damn day of the year. Yea, some of the Shabbas even. Maybe I understand it more than the weird shit, yeah, but that is not permission. I will kick your fucking ass. Count on it. "

Shakespeare On Love?

Here is an adaptation that I have written. It's considered an adaptation because it's taking the stories that Shakespeare has already written and twisting them a bit. Tell me honestly what you think. I could spend more time on this perfecting it so this is definitely a rough draft. Thanks for your comments!!

Shakespeare On Love?

[Curtain up on a single spotlight CS. Enter Ophelia, dripping wet, from CSR x to CS spotlight. Holds paper, begins to read.]

“Dear Juliet,

I don’t know how you did it, but the first time I had sex with my man, I got pregnant. That’s right, I’m pregnant. I’ve actually hidden it quite well, but sometimes I say things that could give it away, if people would actually pay attention to me. My boyfriend, who is crazy if you didn’t know, almost gave us away once too, claiming that he would have wed me if I hadn’t come to his bed. Thankfully we were alone, seeing as most of the house hold is terrified of him after he STABBED MY FATHER. Yea, like I said, crazy. Oh, and also, he claims to have seen his father walking around the grounds a couple of times. His father is dead. Of course, the guy that knocks me up is the one that looses his mind. Sometimes, he’s really sweet to me, but then he begins speaking nonsense and calling me a whore! It’s enough dealing with the pains and aches and annoyances of having a child growing inside of me, but then having a bipolar nutcase for a boyfriend?! I can’t do it anymore! I don’t want to have this kid, let alone have it by myself or with a father who’s certifiably insane! If you can’t help me, then I have no choice but to throw myself in the pond out behind the castle in the gardens.

Bloatedly Waiting,

Ophelia”

[Ophelia exits CSL. Enter Lady M., with blood on her dress, from CSR x to CS spotlight. Holds paper, begins to read.]

“Dear Juliet,

My husband is an idiot. He has been given a bit of information that could change his life and my life drastically, and definitely for the better! Apparently, he was told by a couple of kooks out in the woods that he was going to become king. The only problem is that there is already a king in place. I personally think our course of action is pretty plain and simple. But my husband is having problems dealing with his conscience and what might happen afterwards. He is such a pansy!! Why am I, the woman, more balsy than the man? Isn’t committing murder like a man’s secret wet dream or something? How did I end up with the guy, with such a promising future, turn out being a paranoid little bitch? I mean, if I’m doing all the work, why should he get to be the ruler of Scotland. Hell, he’s more of a queen than a king.

Married To A Fairy,

Lady Macbeth”

[Lady M. exits CSL. Enter Rosaline, wearing a tight low cut dress and a bouquet of dead roses, from CSR x to CS spotlight. Holds paper, begins to read.]

“Dear Juliet,

Hi. Remember me? I’m the one who Romeo was in love with before you batted your pathetic, squinty little eyes. Also, wasn’t it way past your bedtime when that party started? I mean, you are 13 right? So, that means Romeo was 16? If you weren’t aware, that’s illegal you child whore. Did you know that he was coming to see me that night? Yea, he promised to sneak in to the party to dance with me. But then you had to disobey your father and sneak down to a party that you weren’t suppose to be at in the first place! Thank you for ruining what could have been the best evening of my life. Bitch. So tell me, how was the sex? How did Romeo like your snoring? Yes that’s right. You snore like a bear. That’s not a very attractive quality. Maybe that’s why he rushed out of your bed the next morning so quickly. Afraid of being caught in your bed? Psh! Yea right. Romeo is an idiot. That never would have crossed his mind when a naked girl is lying next to him. The sun coming up was a perfect excuse for him to get the hell away from you for a while. Why did he marry you then? Because you’re so damn pushy!! You had just met him and then you want to marry him within 24 hours?! I don’t mean to be rude, but your relationship was doomed from the beginning. I hope it was worth it. Bitch.

Bitter but Beautiful,

Rosaline”

[Rosaline exits CSL. Enter Petruchio, bruised and bandaged, from CSR x to CS spotlight.]

“Dear Juliet,

Ok, fine. I married my wife for money. Yes, I said that I didn’t care what type of woman she was. But really?! This bitch is crazy!! She is sharp-tongued, quick-tempered, and prone to violence, especially towards those who wish to marry her!! But I may have been late for my own wedding, forced her to move to a different county, starved her of food and sleep, all within the first week of our marriage, but have you ever met my Katherine?! She would sure as hell throw a shoe at your head if you even glanced at her sister when you came to call upon her. What was I thinking? Her father didn’t even give me enough money to pay for the hospital bills that I’m bound to receive….and not my own bills either. The bills of all those poor, unsuspecting men who happen to look at her wrongly as they pass on the street or at the market!

Rethinking,

Petruchio”

[Petruchio exits CSL. Enter Titania, with a handkerchief over her nose, from CSR x to CS spotlight.]

“Dear Juliet,

I fell in love with a man who had an asses head. A half goat half man made this happen. I don’t really feel like any more explanation is needed. I kind of wish my lover would have swallowed poison.

Reason To Be Bitter,

Titania, Queen of the Elves”

[Titania exits CSL. Enter William Shakespeare, wearing traditional garb and carrying a quill, from CSR x to CS spotlight.]

“Dear Juliet,

I hear that you have been getting these letters from other characters that I’ve created and that they are unhappy with their love lives. You say that you are at a loss of what to tell them? Well, why in the world would they write to you and tell you their problems in the first place? I do realize that your story is extremely romantic and for some reason, desired by all of those who hear it. And I guess I do see how people would long for your romance story…minus the ending, of course. Sorry about that. It really had nothing to do with you and Romeo. It had all to do with your idiotic parents and their feud, but back to your letters. You say you don’t know what to tell them? Why not? You of all my characters are the only one who truly understands love!

Love was not placed in the world so that we, ourselves, could experience enjoyment or fulfillment. Love has nothing to do with us. Love has everything to with “them”; our Romeo or our Juliet. It is love only when that other person is more important than us. From what you tell me, each of these letters that you have received is dripping with selfishness. This disgusts me and saddens me. That is not how I meant for love to be portrayed.

Love is meant to be selfless and dangerous and all encompassing. Love was meant to be like yours and poor Romeo’s. Yes, some of my characters have been betrayed and, as they think, ill matched. But that is not the case. Love is about allowing yourself to be hurt, all for the purpose of knowing that person, and being known by, better than anyone else has ever before.

Love is not about beauty. Love is about a connection; bonding with another human and understanding that person with just a simple glance. That one of your affection may be hard to deal with. But love is just that: dealing with someone despite the difficulty and because of that, loving them more and more at the end of each day.

The love that I have written has been lost within the action of my characters. Though love does involve some action, it is more so found in the words. Love is confession of ones inner most thoughts and convictions. It is honest and truthful. Love has nothing to do with outward appearances or assumptions. Love is about connection and honesty and unabated passion. You, of all people, Juliet should know this and understand this without question.

Parting is such sweet sorrow,

W. Shakespeare”

[William Shakespeare places quill in the center of the spotlight and exits CSR. CS spotlight remains on the quill for a few seconds before fading to black.]

Words, words, words...

I could make love out of words as a potter makes cups out of clay 

love that overthrows empires, 

love that binds two hearts together come hellfire and brimstones

My letter to Juliet....

Dear Juliet,

How envious I am of your rare find of a gentleman lover who is head over heels for you as much as you are for him! Just once I would like to fall in love with a guy who has fallen in love with me, and not the idea of what could be me. How in the world did you get Romeo to see you for who you are and have him fall in love with that? I am always afraid that if I say all the things that are on my mind, show who I really am on the inside that I’ll come on too strong or too insecure. But I worry about what goes through their heads. I imagine the worst possible things, and I never know if my thinking is false and that I’m just overreacting. I hate being pessimistic, but I too often let the pains of my past compose the hopes of my present.

If you would like to write a letter to Juliet, and have it put into my play, please, feel free to post it as a comment or message it to me on facebook!! I would really appreciate the help. And if you want it put into my play, I will change the name so as not to give away the author of the letter.

Tho' Your Heart is Aching

Tho’ Your Heart is Aching

by Carlyn Holland

Character 1: female – has headphones on and an ipod [18 – mid 20’s; expression found in music]

Character 2: male – has a Bible in his hand [16 – mid 20’s; expression found in questions]

Character 3: male – has red bandanas around each wrist [15 – 19; expression found in poetry]

Character 4: male [20’s; dramatized by a film noir voice over]

[All characters are in position but the stage is completely black. Spotlight appears on Character 1,who is on her knees. There is melancholy music playing.]

Character 1: “I am like every one of you watching me right now. I feel the same pain that you felt when that special someone told you that you were no longer as special as you once were. I feel the same hurt that you felt when you realized that what you meant to them was nothing compared to how much they had meant to you. A lot of you have probably been made second to someone who is apparently much better than yourself; been the second choice that never got made. I know what it’s like to be in the shadow of some great.”

“I love too easily and am hurt far easier. But I long for that someone so strongly, with every fiber of my being that I destroy my already broken self over and over again by hoping that maybe this time, he will really mean what he says. But I guess, when you’re a romantic, everything sounds like magic….”

[Spotlight and music off. Spotlight appears on Character 2, who is standing, facing the audience with his head turned towards the ceiling.]

Character 2: “God! I don’t know if I can fake this any longer. I’m tired of lying to those around me; telling them that I agree with what they’re saying. But I don’t. I don’t know what the hell they’re even talking about. I know what I’ve been told all my life. And I know what I’m supposed to believe. But I don’t know if I do. If I even hinted to these thoughts to my parents or friends, there’d be an exorcism! Why is it so wrong to have doubts about what I believe? I’m only human. I’m known to fail quite often. But this certain “failure” is made out to be almost unforgivable. It’s as if I’m defacing the very idea of You by asking a question.”

“It’s not that I don’t think You’re there. I’m just tired of believing what everyone else says is truth. I want my own truth. I want to believe what I believe because that’s what I’ve decided to believe and not because it’s what I’m told to be what’s right. I don’t want to be a “perfect” little Christian who has all the answers and right things to say. I want to be a strong individual who has a relationship with the One that they trust with all their heart and believe in with all their might because they really know what and Who they believe in.”

[Spotlight off. Bongos sound and a spotlight appears on Character 3, who is standing with their back towards the audience.]

Character 3: “I sit

And I stand

And I see you not looking.

You think I’m scary.

Talk to me.

I’ll show you.

If scary is someone who has never been spoken to

Then yes….

I’m pretty damn scary.

Most people don’t even know my name,

My title,

My pseu-do-nym.

Then how could you know

That I hurt,

And long,

And pine….

Just for a kind word,

A smile,

Or brush on the shoulder

That proves to me that I do exist and am seen…

Past what’s in my head…

And in my mirror…

And in these words.

I see me, or what I understand to be whoever it is that I am.

Who I am I really don’t know.

Most people are defined by who they know….

Or who knows them.

I know no one….

And no one knows me.

The only thing that causes me to feel any sort of emotion

Other than that of being alone…

It is cold…

And sharp…

And glistens in the light.

But you wouldn’t know about that would you?

You’d actually have to see me,

To see the scars…

That I so unashamedly display.”

[Bongos sound and spotlight goes off. Spotlight appears, along with jazz music and the sound of rain, on Character 4, who is sitting in a chair, facing downstage right, with his head in his hands. Character 4 never actually speaks. His lines are presented by a film noir off-stage voice.]

Character 4: “He was a rare kind of man. The kind that you wished there were more of. Sure he had his faults; his problems. But he never talked about them. He just dealt with them, silently, in his own way. He never burdened anyone with anything. He was a nice guy. He loved talking to people. He could strike up a conversation with any sort of stranger in any sort of place. It was his favorite pastime, and he had a lot of free time.”

[Spotlight, music and rain off. Spotlight appears on Character 1, who is on her knees. There is warm, light-hearted music playing. ]

Character 1: “I met this one guy, at a coffee shop. He sat down at the table next to me….and smiled. He had a gorgeous smile. His eyes smiled too. They were the kind that drew you in instantly, and you knew that he could be trusted. But I see that in a lot of guy’s eyes. Some of the sweetest ones ended up lying. But this guy, I don’t think was capable of a lie.”

“I smiled back, and he told me that I had the prettiest eyes he had seen all day. That was the only thing he said the entire conversation that had any resemblance of flirting. I realized that he just wanted to talk. He asked me questions about myself and he seemed genuinely interested. We talked about everything under the sun. I don’t even know how we came up with some of the things we talked about. I just know that after I left, I realized that for the first time in months, I wasn’t on the verge of tears. And I’m pretty sure, I was smiling because I was happy, and not because I was pretending to be.”

[Spotlight and music off. Spotlight appears on Character 2, who is standing facing the audience with his head turned towards the ceiling.]

Character 2: “I was getting coffee the other day and this guy walks over to my table, smiles at me and then starts up a conversation. It was kind of awkward at first because I had never met this guy before, but something about him kept me interested. He asked about my friends, and I laughed this cynical type of laugh. That was a mistake. He knew instantly that I had a story to tell about the people in my life. And somehow, he got it out of me! I’ve never met this guy before and here I am telling him about how I have denounced everything I believe about You only so I can rebuild my faith on what I choose and not what I’m told to choose. I told him about how everyone in my life was beating me down when all I needed was support; someone to tell me that it’s ok to ask questions.”

“This conversation went on for hours and by the end of it, I was really expecting to be preached at or ridiculed or yelled at. But the guy just smiled and congratulated me. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if he was serious or mocking me. I asked him why he congratulated me and he said, “For being one of the few in this world who fully understand the idea of faith.” I was still a little confused and he saw that so he went on, “Most people see faith as what is preached to them in church or by the elders. But faith is an individual experience all centered on the idea of love, love in any form. Even Jesus said the most important of these is love. It doesn’t matter how you get to God, as long as you get there with love.” He was the first person to ever make me feel like I wasn’t a traitor.”

[Spotlight off. Bongos sound and a spotlight appears on Character 3, who is standing with their back towards the audience.]

Character 3: “I come here often

To sip my coffee

And watch you chatter about your lives

While I write, pathetically, about my lack of one.

Sometimes I even perform,

On nights where the mic is open.

But you don’t hear what I say

Because you’re too consumed

With the pathetic ramblings of those who apparently matter

More than I ever have or ever will.”

“But then he walked in

And sat down at a table right in front of me

And listened.

He never took his eyes off of me while I spoke.

He never even bought coffee or

Met someone later on.

He walked in

Sat down

And listened to what I had to say.

Before he left...

He smiled.”

[Bongos sound and spotlight goes off. Spotlight appears, along with jazz music and the sound of rain, on Character 4, who is sitting in a chair, facing downstage right, with his head in his hands. Character 4 never actually speaks. His lines are presented by a film noir off-stage voice.]

Character 4: “That’s how I met him; at a coffee shop one day. I like to watch people and I had seen him come in the door. I could tell that he was thinking about something real hard, but I’m not much of a talker, so I didn’t say anything when he sat down at the table next to me. But like I said, he loved talking to people. He looked over at me and smiled, and just starting talking. We talked for hours at that coffee shop. We went through probably what were 3 pots of coffee. I don’t even remember what we talked about to be honest. I just know that when I left, I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so cheerful and important. I can’t explain it. I just know that he had made my day, with just a simple conversation. I couldn’t get him off my mind for the rest of the day. I even smiled at a stranger that I passed on the sidewalk, and I never smile at people. I never really thought anyone deserved my smile unless they did something nice for me. I wasn’t about to give something like that of myself to a stranger who did nothing to deserve it. But after meeting him, I couldn’t help but smile.”

[Spotlight, music and rain off.]

What will your verse be?

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. Poetry, beauty, romance, love...these are what we stay alive for. You are here. Life exists and I guarantee that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"

"Dance like a dervish..."

“It’s not what you say about him, it’s what you don’t say. There’s not an ounce of excitement, not a whisper of a thrill. I want you to get swept away. I want you to levitate. I want you to sing with rapture and dance like a dervish. Be deliriously happy, or at least leave yourself open to be. Love is passion, obsession, something you can’t live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. And how do you find them? Well, you forget your head and you listen to your heart. The truth is, there’s no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven’t lived a life at all. But you have to try. If you haven’t tried then you haven’t lived. Stay open, who knows, lightening could strike.”

I love this.

Character Expansion

I apologize for the post being weird....I don't know why it formatted like this.

Title Ideas:

Cover Up

Unmasked

Transferred

Character 1:

Female

On her knees

[possible masks as costume]

Desperate for someone to prove her wrong

At the end of her rope

Too many failed relationships

Too many second place finishes

She’s been lied to and used

She trusts too easily, therefore she has been hurt

She is a romantic; a poet; a dreamer

She lives in books and stories

She doesn’t want to give up, but she sees no other way out

No one knows how hurt she is because she wears a mask for her friends

This character will have a dance number, performed on her knees

[her pain is hidden by the mask that she puts on]

She wants someone to be genuine towards her, expecting nothing in return

Character 2:

Male

Standing, facing the audience

He stands in a very defensive stance

He is “arguing” or “explaining” to God that he doesn’t know what to believe

anymore

When he asks questions, his family and mentors scold him

The books he has read and the lessons he has been taught by professors has made

him question what he has been told

Now he is trying to figure things out on his own but he is looked down upon for

this

He will perform his dialogue towards the ceiling

This characters dialogue may possibly be presented in Shakespearean dialect.

[he hides his anguish and confusion with a good, Christian boy attitude; he does

the routine and says the right things; he never questioned anything; he just took

everything he was told as truth.]

He wants someone to tell him that it’s alright to ask questions and that one

day, there will be an answer

Character 3:

Male

[actor must have long hair]

Standing, with their back towards the audience

He suffers from self-destruction in the form of cutting.

His dialogue will be presented as spoken word poetry

He has been ignored his entire life

His family ignores him because he is “different” from them

No one at his school seems to notice him

He has never felt or understood love, therefore religion has no interest to him

He feels alone

He does not feel abandoned because he has never felt wanted before

He has never been made fun of or hurt by others, he’s just never been noticed

He cuts so that he can feel a different kind of hurt than emotional

His heart can’t take any more pain, so he transfers that pain to his physical body

[his pain is hidden within his words that he shares with no one]

He wants someone to smile at him, so that he knows he does exist outside of

his own head

Character 4:

Male

Begins sitting in a chair with his head in his hands.

He ends lying face down on the floor, as if he has jumped from a window or

building

This character will never speak. All of his dialogue will be presented as film noir

by an offstage voice accompanied by dark jazz music and the sound of rain

He is a “Jesus” like character or martyr

His purpose is to make others happy

He is drawn to those suffering, publicly or privately

He can sense their pain and knows what they need

For the moment that he offers that comfort that others need, he takes the pain that

they feel and suffers for them

So for one hour or one day, those who normally know nothing of pain, can

breathe and smile for possibly the first time in years

On this certain day, he encounters 3 different people with 3 different types of pain

His burden becomes so heavy, that he cannot bare it for even a day

He takes his own life, in order to rid those 3, that he has met, of their pain, so that

they may have a better life

Theme:

Sometimes, we are all so wrapped up in our own problems that we forget to acknowledge the suffering of others. If we would just stop for one day, worrying about ourselves and look out, we may see someone screaming out to us. Sometimes, a smile, a hello, a helping hand, and kind word is all it takes to turn someone’s life around. Sometimes, the person who makes a difference in our life is the same person who needs our help in return. But again, we’re all so consumed with our own lives and problems, we often times never return such a simple, yet life-altering favor.

Structure of the Play”

They begin by telling of their suffering, in their own different way, and how they have masked it. Then, they tell of their encounter with a stranger one-day. Lastly, they express how that one encounter changed the way they thought about themselves. The 4^th character explains his 1) purpose in life, then 2) his encounter with each person, then 3) his consumption and death for their pains.

Shall I Write A Play???

For my playwriting class, we have to write a 10 minute play, which is the equivalent to 10 pages of dialogue. I was not really excited about this assignment because I was lacking in the idea department and I wanted to write something that was some what humorous. I've realized that I can't really write humorous. So I'm sitting in class and I see a stage with 4 people standing on it at random places. I saw them on a completely black stage with no light and, at points of dialogue, spotlights would hit each character. I wanted them all on stage at the same time so the audience doesn't know they are there until the spotlight hits them; no entering and exiting the stage. Then I saw each of them on stage in different positions, to add contrast and a distorted view of balance. I saw one character on their knees, one standing in a defensive way, one with their back to the audience and one lying down on the ground. I hadn't seen any gender yet, but these different positions reminded me of different forms of suffering.

After much deliberation and thought, and still not quite right, I decided that the character on their knees would be female and her suffering idea is "I have no hope. I am at a dead end. I can't try anymore. I see no point in it. I can only wear this mask for so much longer." She is the victim of failed love interests. The character standing defensively is a male who is arguing with God about his beliefs. All of his dialogue will be presented upward towards the ceiling. his suffering idea is that all of his beliefs have been challenged and what he has based his whole life on is now nothing but a mix of confusion. The character with their back towards the audience is also male and he is suffering with the idea of self destruction and represents those who cut. His dialogue is presented as spoken word poetry. The character on their back is male. Originally I had him beginning on his back but after speaking with a few colleagues I decided to have him start off sitting in a chair with his head in his hands. This character, in a way, represents each of the other characters but at their breaking points. This is what connects each of them: each person suffers in their own way, but sadly, this is how most of them end.

Each person will have probably 3 turns to speak. The final spotlight after each person has had 3 turns to speak will be a spotlight on the guy in the chair, lying face down on the ground as if he has just jumped from a window or building.

At some point in the girls dialogue, i want the spotlight to shine on her and their be distressed music and have her do a choreographed number while still on her knees, and that's the only thin that happens in that spotlight. The guy in the chair, I don't think I am going to have speak at all. When the spotlight hits him, I want it to be film noir-esque. With light jazz music playing, the sound of rain and an off stage male voice explaining his struggles. Then, the guy with his back turned, like I said earlier is a spoken word poet. Possibly having a bongo hit a few times once his spotlight comes on before he speaks. The defensive stanced guy, I thought about having as a shakespearean genre with him speaking in shakespearean language, but I'm not sure.

After typing this all out, I don't really like the message that is being portrayed, so I'm going to try and come up with a more calming or hopeful ending, but this is just what I have so far. I also need dialogue, obviously, and also, a title.

My first audition experience...

Despite what the title says, this was not technically my first audition. I "auditioned" for my senior production in high school.....but, I was already cast before the actual audition. Also, at the end of last semester, I auditioned for the spring shows here at App, but again, the audition process isn't that "professional" so I don't count that either.

But this past Saturday, February 13th, I, along with 8 other people from my department, auditioned for Boone's outdoor summer drama Horn In The West. Horn In The West tells the story of how the city of Boone was settled and how it got it's name......from Daniel Boone if you hadn't already figured that out.

I woke up Saturday morning at 7:00 am and showered and got ready, then I picked up my friend Liz at her dorm and we made our way to the theater where auditions were being held. We got there around 8:30 and the doors didn't open until 9 so we sat in the jeep and ate blueberry muffins. Around 9, the rest of our friends showed up and we went inside and filled out the audition form and turned in our resumes and headshots and got our audition numbers. At this point, it's about 9:30 and dance auditions didn't start until 10:30, so some of us walked to Burger King for breakfast and coffee.

Around 10:15 we walked back and changed and stretched/warmed up. The dance auditions were pretty easy. We did a few ballet moves across the stage and a warm up movement exercise and then we learned an easy/short little routine. Then we partnered up and did lifts. Like i said, very simple. It only took 30 minutes.

After the dance auditions were over, we all went back up to the warm up room and changed clothes and then lined back up downstairs for our monologue auditions. Since our group of friends got their first, we were all grouped together....it was great! Lucky me thought got the first number so I had to go first.....the one person out of the group who had never done a professional audition before!! Well, the monologue that I performed was from Lost In Yonkers by Neil Simon and the song I sung was a small bit from His Eye Is On The Sparrow. My monologue went very well! I didn't struggle for a line at all and once I started it, I don't really remember doing it....it happened so naturally. But then we got to the song. I sang it a capella and I started on too high of a note. I was so nervous singing I could hear it in my voice and the whole time I was just ready to get the song over with. I don't even know if I sang the right words in the right order!! But I finally finished the song and walked off and sat down. I can't describe how I felt afterwards.

After everyone had finished, we waited outside for about 5 or 6 minutes and when they brought the call back list out we had all gotten called back for either chorus or acting and some for both! Once we signed up for a call back time slot we all went to Los Arcorois and ate lunch.

Chorus auditions started at 2:30 so we got back to the warm up room and sat around for about 45 minutes til those started and we ended up all doing the call back as a group so they could see if we could sing together as a group. That was kind of annoying because we aren't singers, we're actors. But we did sound good together.

It's now about 3:20 and my friend Will and I had been called back to read together, for the two young leads. So we got our scripts and found a place at the theater to rehearse for a while because our call back time was at 4. Keep in mind that it's around 3:20, so we don't think we have that much time. So, we run through our lines a few times and figure out exactly what we want to do with blocking and interaction because our two characters are love interests. Luckily, Will and I have great chemistry together so it wasn't that hard to figure out.

We don't end up doing our call back until 6. Somehow, they got really behind. Did I mention that it was about 45 degrees in the hallway?!?! It was......the air conditioner was on and no one knew how to turn it off. It was ridiculous! Once Will and I finally were able to get into the theater we did great! I think the director was really surprised out how well we worked together because we did two scenes together and after each one we heard her say "Wow!" "Oh! Good!" Haha, so hopefully we made an impression!

I can't explain how amazing Saturday was! Besides the bitter cold and the waiting around, I had such a good time!! I went into this audition not confident and nervous and not expecting anything to come of it and I end up reading for the lead role!! Do you understand how excited I am going to be if Will and I get cast as the leads?! I'd be just as excited for the understudies because we still get to act and get paid! I wish I could explain to you how freaking amazing that would be!! It's unimaginable! The bad thing is is that we won't find out for another 5 or 6 weeks because they have 2 more auditions to hold.....1 at NCTC and then they hold a 2nd audition in Boone in March I think. But oh I hope we get it!!

"the lonely will fly..."

This is a song by Edwin McCain and i have fallen in love with it so much!!

[Caleb, this is the song that reminds me of you.]

Write Me A Song

"Kelly is raising her son
His dad left just after the birth
And now she's living on child support checks
I guess that's all that man was worth
She said I just need a man who will love me
But they all just want one night of sin
I know our life could be better
I just don't know where I should begin

She said write me a song
One that makes all the girls cry
And the old women swoon
With the sound of my tune
And the hearts of the lonely will fly
Yeah, they'll fly

Beth she sings straight from her heart
She's hidden her tracks very well
But these days she's fallin' apart
And it makes me feel just like hell

She says, boy, you can't imagine my life
The death and the drugs and the pain
And though I keep running
I just can't seem to break from these chains

She said write me a song
Fill it all up with words
Like brilliant and heavenly
Make it sound just like me
Just like the first time I love you was heard

And now write me a song
One that makes all the girls cry
And the old women swoon
At the sound of my tune
And the hearts of the lonely will fly

We're all feeding our lonely
Like it might go away
The doors of heaven swing wide
If we just find the right words to say

She said write me a song
Fill it all up with words
Like brilliant and heavenly
Make it sound just like me
Just like the first time I love you was heard

And now write me a song
One that makes all the girls cry
And the old women swoon
At the sound of my tune
And the hearts of the lonely will fly"