Sunday, December 6, 2009

Poetry by Rives


I've just discovered a poet who I think I like very much. He goes by Rives (pronounced reeves). There is some language and a little bit of sexual imagery, but appreciate it as poetry, not moral teachings. My favorite is "Kite".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZsmneEtdWU&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XptoJ_UoeM8&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4fVoT4P9Kw&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5wbToZkJwY&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gu_PQBmk-6c&feature=channel

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I love when poetry chills....


This is a poem my friend Tim wrote and performed at the APO (Alpha Psi Omega) Variety Show this past Saturday. I knew he wrote poetry, but I had never heard or read any of his stuff. I got chills when he performed this. It was amazing! So, I thought I'd share it with ya'll. Enjoy :o)

The Wrong Apology (Tim Reis)

I try not to catch your eye anymore.
I try to avoid it because I know
Every time I do,
You'll smile,
Giggle,
And I’m weak so I smile too.
And I don’t know if you can read it,
But somewhere on my face,
Be it my half-fought grin
Or quick-shift eyes,
Invisible ink tattoos every word we can’t say.
"Run away with me”
Is but a pentimento of our stare,
Hidden just below the artwork;
Shown to only the most trained eyes.
The ghost of secret emotion
Possesses our shared smile
To the point that it takes life of it’s own,
Lingering until it’s resparked by another furtive glance.
So forgive me,
But I try not to catch your eye anymore.

I shy away from your touch.
An incidental brush is too much
Yet, I can’t resist taking your hand in mine,
Holding you close,
Running my fingers through your hair.
Your skin is a drug.
As my hand finds your spine I feel more alive
But die a little more from every withdrawal.
Every deep embrace,
And my heart races at the thought of being so near to yours.
Your head on my chest,
My heartbeat slows
To avoid any disturbance that could wake you, Shake you from your meditation and make you leave, Breaking in two
This perfect fit of you and I,
Leaving a hole custom-fitted for you.
But it’s a hole I never knew until you left it.
So don’t hold it against me
If I shy away from your touch.

Now maybe my apologies are misplaced.
When our eyes don’t meet,
They wander,
Taking innocence with them
Until we’re all lost in unfulfilled fantasy.
So maybe it’s good that I have nothing to say Because I have nothing that should be heard.
Maybe my every word will just cause more hurt than good.
Maybe I should move on.
If I can’t have you,
Someone should.
Someone deserving of you.
Of your eyes,
Smile,
Touch,
Love.
So please, accept my last apology.
I'm sorry if I let you go.

Monday, October 12, 2009

"It was a pleasure to burn..."


The following is the introduction by Ray Bradbury to the illustrated adaptation of Fahrenheit 451. I love what he says about the connection between writing and the author.


"Back in 1950, I dined out one night with a friend. Later in the evening we were walking along Wilshire Boulevard when a police car stopped and an officer got out and asked us what we were doing.
'Putting one foot in front of the other,' I said, not very helpfully.
The policeman kept questioning us as to why we were being pedestrians, as if by taking a late-night stroll we were coming perilously close to breaking the law. Irritated, I went home and wrote a story called 'The Pedestrian.'
Several weeks later, I took my pedestrian out for a literary walk where he encountered a young girl named Clarisse McClellan. Seven days later, the first draft of The Fireman was finished, which was the novella that turned into Fahrenheit 451 not long after.
Some years later, looking back, I thought 'The Pedestrian' was the true source of Fahrenheit 451, but my memory was incorrect. I now realize other things were at work in my subconscious.
It is only now, some fifty years after that L.A. police officer challenged my right to be a pedestrian, that I see the odd ideas that rose to perform in short stories, which went unnoticed as I wrote them.
I wrote a tale about the greatest fantasy authors in history being exiled to Mars while their books were burned on Earth. That became a story called 'The Exiles.'
I wrote another tale, 'Usher II,' in which my hero complains that he, as a fantasy writer, is rejected by the intellectuals on Earth who make fun of the grotesques that sprang up in the tales of Edgar Allan Poe and other similar authors.
And years before that, I published another novella, called Pillar Of Fire, in which a dead man rises from the grave to reenact the strange lives of Dracula and Frankenstein's monster.
All of these stories were forgotten when I first wrote Fahrenheit 451. But they were still there, somewhere, percolating in my subconscious.
What you have before you now is a further rejuvenation of a book that was once a short novel that was once a short story that was once a walk around the block, a rising up in a graveyard, and a final fall of the House of Usher.
My subconscious is more complicated than I ever imagined. I've learned over the years to let it run rampant and offer me its ideas as they come, giving them no preference and no special treatment. When the time is right, somehow they coalesce and erupt from my subconscious and spill onto the page.
In the case of the final version of Fahrenheit 451, illustrated here, I brought all my characters onstage again and ran them through my typewriter, letting my fingers tell the stories and bring forth the ghosts of other tales from other times.
I am the hero, Montag, and a good part of me is also Clarisse McClellan. A darker side of me is the fire chief, Beatty, and my philosophical capacities are represented by the philosopher Faber.
I put them all together, shook them up, and poured them forth, pretending not to notice what I was doing. At the end of a number of days and a further number of weeks, I had a novel.
Thank god that I didn't, at any time in the last twenty or thirty years, know exactly what I was doing, so that each of these parts of me was able to step forth and declare itself. Each character in Fahrenheit 451 has his or her moment of truth; I stayed quietly in the background and let them declaim and never interrupted.
So what you have here, now, is a pastiche of my former lives, my former fears, my inhibitions, and my strange and mysterious and unrecognized prediction of the future.
I say all this to inform any teachers or students reading this book that what I did was name a metaphor and let myself run free, allowing my subconscious to surface with all kinds of wild ideas.
Similarly, in the future, if some teacher suggests to his or her students that they conceive metaphors and write essays or stories about them, the young writers should take care not to intellectualize or be self-conscious or overanalyze their metaphors; They should let the metaphors race as fast and furious and freely as possible so that what is stirred up are all the hidden truths at the bottom of the writer's mind.
It would not be proper for me, fifty years on, to overanalyze and pontificate about my book, because it was written by the other me, by the inner self, by the fun-loving and free-ranging young Ray Bradbury.
Finally, may I suggest that anyone reading this introduction should take the time to name the one book that he or she would most want to memorize and protect from any censors or 'firemen.' And not only name the book, but give the reasons why they would wish to memorize it and why it would be a valuable asset to be recited and remembered in the future. I think this would make for a lively session when my readers meet and tell the books they named and memorized, and why."

Monday, July 20, 2009

Praise Without Song


The Bible reads:

"Listen, my people, and I will speak; I will testify against you, Israel:  I am God, your God. I bring no charge against you concerning your sacrifices or concerning your burnt offerings, which are ever before me. I have no need of a bull from your stall or of goats from your pens, for every animal of the forest is mine, and the cattle on a thousand hills. I know every bird in the mountains, and the creatures of the field are mine. If I were hungry I would not tell you, for the world is mine, and all that is in it. Do I eat the flesh of bulls or drink the blood of goats? Sacrifice thank offerings to God, fulfill your vows to the Most High and call on my in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me."  -Psalm 50: 7-15

David Crowder's interpretation of these verses in his book "Praise Habit: Finding God In Sunsets & Sushi" reads:

"This is God, your God, speaking to you. I don't find fault with your acts of worship, the frequent burnt sacrifices you offer. But why should I want you blue-ribbon bull, or more and more goats from your herds? Every creature in the forest is mine, the wild animals on all the mountains. I know every mountain bird by name; the scampering field mice are my friends. If I get hungry, do you think I'd tell you? All creation and its bounty are mine. Do you think I feast on venison or drink droughts of goats' blood? Spread for me a banquet of praise, serve High God a feast of kept promises, And call for help when you're in trouble - I'll help you, and you'll honor me." (Crowder 78-79)

Our purpose here on earth is to bring honor and glory to God. A lot of times, we believe that by living a good life, telling others that we're a Christian and singing songs to Him, we are bringing Him that desired honor and glory.  "We may argue, 'Isn't that praise? Songs = Praise, right?' " (Crowder 82) David Crowder describes them as more like burnt offerings.  The songs that we sing, the hands that we raise and even the tears that we cry are just physical shows of how we want to feel towards God.  When we become emotional at the sound of Christ's death on the cross put into flowery, methodical rhythms we're showing that we feel guilty for putting Christ through that.  When we raise our hands as high above our heads as they will go, we're showing the world how overwhelming Christ's goodness is to us.  But God doesn't need, nor does He want, those melodies of proclamation:

"I don't find fault with your singing songs.  But do you think I'm in great need of music?  Do you think it is too quiet where I am?  Did I not make the air molecules to vibrate and dance in such a way to let melody float from here to there?  Do you think I am in great need of hearing these songs that were my breathings in the first place?" (Crowder 81-82)

Why can this singing become a problem? Because "often they're nothing more than ritual, and at their worst they can be provoking to God."  I know at times I've gone through bad days, or weeks, or even months where I lacked any form of christian support or influence or activity.  Then, once in a group setting of worshipers, the music starts and suddenly I'm overwhelmed by the power, love and mercy of God, simply because of a few lines of a song.  My hands are raised and my eyes are shut with a thin line of tears around the edge.  Then, the next week, when I join these fellow worshipers, it's the same thing.  I feel God wrap His arms around me and I am over come with Love.  The provoking thing to God about this, is that this has been the first time that I've felt His presence all week since the last time I had my hands raised and eyes shut during singing.  

So, while God is asking us to praise Him, it's not just singing that He's asking for. He's asking for "praise living. It is God leaning and shouting, 'I am the center!' and the sum of our lives nodding back in agreement." (Crowder 82)

"According to this psalm, even the simplicity of calling out to Him in times of trouble is considered the truer sacrifice [the truer praise]. How surprising is that? And how easy? Higher than our ritual is the simple acknowledgement that, in truth, He is what we need. We, like the Israelites, often find rescue in the burnt offering [the worship song] and not in the God who is the source of all. We find comfort in the song and not in the Comforter."

So next time your walking down the street humming Amazing Grace to yourself, look up at the sky, watch the squirrel running up the tree, or smile at the stranger walking towards you, and then thank God for the little things that He's placed in your life that are meant to evoke praise. Because "when you begin to find Him in all the stuff of life, everything starts singing. Every moment breaks into song. Every breath becomes sacrifice, and the songs become sweetness. This is living praise." (Crowder 82)



Crowder, David. Praise Habit: Finding God in Sunset and Sushi. NavPress. Colorado Springs, CO. 2004.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Father versus father


God's will and calling is my ultimate desire and duty.  But when it contradicts what your parents want......???  I am beset with the decision between follow my parents order or follow my heart and what I know God is calling me to do this month.  For now, I will do what I can and with the time I have, answer to God.  In a few days, I will confront my parents with the latter and see how they take it.  I'm not looking forward to it, but I have a few days before I have to face them.  Please pray that they will understand, for once, my need to be where God is calling me. 

Sunday, May 31, 2009

My C.S. Lewis


I have never read a book by C.S. Lewis.  So when everyone around me quotes him and raves about him, its magic is lost on me.  Sure, I may have heard one or two quotes by Lewis that I thought were pretty good, but none of them have been life changing for me like they have for some.  My C.S. Lewis would be Brennan Manning, author of The Ragamuffin Gospel.  I love Manning because he is a recovering alcoholic and he admits to it.  He mentions it a few times in his books as examples to emphasize the message he is trying to get across.  He admits his failures and shows his vulnerability.  He admits to being one of the biggest ragamuffins out there.  Each one of his books takes a while to read because there is so much knowledge and wisdom on each page.  I don't have a single book by Brennan Manning that doesn't have a page with something underlined or highlighted in it. 

Today I started reading The Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning.  The subtitle describes the book as "A path to living a life of holy passion and unreasonable faith."  I've only read the opening word and the first chapter and so far it's awesome!  I've put stars next to a number of lines that I wish to expound on, perhaps in my blog or perhaps in my personal devotion.  One of said starred-lines is as follows:

"However hidden and undramatic your witness may be, I pray the you will be daring enough to be different, humble enough to make mistakes, courageous enough to get burnt in the fire, and real enough to help others see that prose is not poetry, speech is not song, and tangibles, visibles, and perishables are not adequate for being signed with the blood of the Lamb." (Manning p. 15-16)

This stood out to me because I've never thought my witness or testimony to be that good.  There really isn't a great story to it.  Simply, a numerously broken life that has been continuously forgiven and revived by God.  But, what Manning is saying is that despite the seemingly boring tale of your convictions and passions, live Christ anyway!  Realize it's ok to make mistakes; use them to teach others and to make yourself stronger.  Take chances with your spirituality no matter what friends you may lose or whose toes you may step on.  And don't belittle yourself to thinking that you are incapable of teaching someone.  If you are a Christian than you are called to live a life that is a testimony of Christ, not a testimony of yourself.  So with every word that you say and every action that you do, teach love and forgiveness.  

In the same chapter, Manning presents two questions:
1) "Why do we so seldom hear in our day what the old lawyer said of John Vianney 1 , "An extraordinary thing happened to me today.  I saw Christ in a man."?
2) "Why don't our contagious joy, enthusiasm, and gratitude infect others with a longing for Christ?" (Manning p.19)

He explains the absence of these questions with this:
"The specter of our actual unbelief persuades us that it is not the experience that is real but, rather, our explanation of the experience.  Our beliefs - which William Blake called 'the mind-forged manacle' - distance us from the grip of personal experience." (Manning p. 20)

Mannings point to fixing this absence of experience is thus:
"Jesus, as the revealer of the Godhead, defines God as love.  In light of this revelation, we have to abandon cankerous, worm-eaten structure of legalism, moralism, and perfectionism that corrupts the Good News into an ethical code rather than a love affair." (Manning p.21)



1 John Vianney: a French parish priest who became a Catholic saint and the patron saint of parish priests

Manning, Brennan. The Signature of Jesus. Multnomah Books. Colorado Springs, Colorado. 1996.


Friday, May 29, 2009

Thursday, May 21, 2009

A Constant Struggle


So, surprise surprise.  I'm having to deal with the same stupid situation that I've had to deal with for the past 6 years of working at TVR.  My parents, sadly, do not understand the concept of ministry.  

Well, 6 years ago they allowed me to apply to work at camp, but only if I sent out letters for support.  The next summer, again, my parents only let me work at camp because they knew that I was guaranteed a larger amount of money than the first summer.  The sumer after my junior year of high school my parents made me work full time half the summer before I could work at camp.  The next summer, after senior year, I was unable to work at camp due to Europe and summer school.  That was my choice.  But, my parents were very adamant about me not driving to camp during the afternoons or weekends.  

All throughout my freshman year of college, there was constant prodding by my dad about me getting a job.  But, when I would talk to him on the phone, he would say that my number one priority was class.  He considered that my job.   My parents can never make up their mind about what they want me to do!!  So again, towards the end of the year there was the usual argument about me getting a "real" job during the summer.  My parents always tell me, "You're not doing camp this summer."  I never take this very seriously because I always end up working at camp anyway.  But finally, a month before Freshman year was over, my mom said that it was up to me what I do during the summer.  She was tired of arguing with me about it.  So, to make her happy, I did summer school and then I worked at camp.  Everyone was happy.  

Well, it's another year and another argument about what I'm doing this summer.  I've accepted that I'll only ever be able to work at camp for a month because I'm always going to have to do summer school.  But again, all year, my parents bugged me about getting a job.  Just so you know, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO GET A JOB IN BOONE!  And again, I had a phone conversation with me dad recently where he said that he was fine with me not having a job as long as I was making good grades.  And he made the comment that, "If you can't get hired in Boone anywhere, you'll have to work somewhere, so you may have to work at camp."  That statement said to me that I could let camp know that I could work the month of June.  So I did.  I'm expected to work at camp for 4 weeks in June.  It was a hard decision for me to make because I know how much I do need to get a job and that it would be in my best interest to work in Boone, but I cannot imagine not working at camp this summer.  I would regret it so much at the end of the summer if I wasn't apart of this ministry.  

Well, this is where things get annoying and stressful and just makes me want to cry.  I told my dad a few days ago that I was going to work at camp in June.  He replied with, "You need to get a real job.  There are people getting laid off and your mom is getting 30 days without pay. Our well has run dry."  
I then got a text from my mom saying, "REAL JOB!!! What part of that don't you understand?!"

I didn't respond to either of these texts and I haven't confronted my parents about it.  I leave for Boone in 4 days.  Once I get in Boone I have 2 weeks until Staff Training.  My plan is to try and secure a job for July on campus that I can keep throughout the semester, then still work at camp for June.  I haven't told my parents this.  I figure that once I'm in Boone, they can't really do anything about it.  I always end up working at camp because I tell my parents that I'm working at camp, instead of waiting for their permission.  

What makes me sad is that I can't use any form of spiritual or religious argument with them about why I need to be at camp.  They don't get it.  They never have and they show no interest in ever trying to get it.  It's like they're completely against having anything to do with camp.  I want them to understand why it is such a big part of my life.  After everything I've been through with camp, I continue to be faithful in furthering its ministry.  I understand the command to respect your parents.  But what if doing so takes away from my opportunity to minister?  I feel that I'm being called more strongly toward working at camp and pissing my parents off for a few weeks than staying in Boone and working in a cafeteria or grocery store.  

I just hate how it's always so hard for me to work at camp.  I envy my friends who's parents are thrilled that their kid would want to spend their summer serving others and the Lord.  I just wish my parents could understand how important this is to me.

Monday, April 27, 2009

A Work In Progress


"Habitual praise-a perpetually sacred acknowledgment of the Giver of every good thing.  A relentless embracing of good and a discarding of bad with an awareness of the one who in the beginning spoke those life affirming words.  When good is found and we embrace it with abandon, we embrace the Giver of it......this is the Praise Habit.  Finding God moment by revolutionary moment, in the sacred and the mundane, in the valley and on the hill, in triumph and tragedy, and living praise erupting because of it.  This is what we were made for." -David Crowder, "Praise Habit: Finding God In Sunsets and Sushi"


This is what I'm developing: my thoughts on worship.  More will be soon to come.  And bear/bare with me, I'm not a Bible scholar or preacher.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

A Quote by Pope

"That on weak wings, from far, pursues your flights, glows while he reads, but trembles as he writes." -Alexander Pope, "An Essay On Criticism"

Friday, April 17, 2009

A Real Life Fairytale In Three Parts



"An Allusion of Hope"
[a real life fairytale in three parts]

I.
"I am ready to embark on this adventure entitled Hope.
Along the way, I look forward to falling asleep
In the passenger seat while you drive towards tomorrow.
I trust you to lead us safely to where our crossed paths will end
And we can continue on hand in hand
Over the rainbow and straight on till morning.
And when I click my heels together three times
You are there, holding my hand.
And when I pinch myself to wake from this dream,
It hurts really bad because I am not dreaming at all.
And you are there, laughing at me because you think it's cute when I act like this,
But then you kiss my arm where I pinched myself because it really did hurt."


II.
"As we travel along on this journey called Hope,
We'll sing along to the songs with the lyrics that now have real meaning.
And passers-by will look and laugh
But our worlds will be captive in the space of our minds
Where we are dancing, chest to chest,
Surrounded by others but only aware of the spotlighted ring that makes up our embrace.
And we one, two, three step to the music until the clock strikes twelve
And the gong of the clock tower brings us back to the twists and the turns of the 
road we are driving down."


III.
"As Hope presses on, I dwell on a dream that I've dreamt for so long
That has had my heart wishing for a reality that reaches far beyond any fairytale.
Your kiss has not only sparked my senses but has opened my eyes and rescued me from
My thoughts that have kept me from stirring from this unwanted slumber.
Now I rest in your arms and enjoy the ride through this whole new world that you 
are showing me;
One where the colors are brighter,
The smells are sweeter,
And the petals of a rose never leave their stem no matter how much time passes.
Because days no longer have meaning
Since our tale is as old as time
And knowing you has given me Hope
For a happy ending, with a firework-lit,
Star-studded scan up to the night sky."



"Time Will Tell"



"Time Will Tell"

"There are times, 
When I look up,
And I find that I never want to look down again.
To fly over the buildings
And the trees
And the streets that seem to lead me only to where I have always been.

Sometimes I want to spin...
And spin...
And spin without ceasing.
As if on a swing
Or a merry-go-round;
A time when your world extends only as far as your arms can reach.

And then there was a time
When I glanced out my window
And thought the moon to be unusually large,
And close to me.

I quickly learned, however, that it was only a street lamp
And my hopes of leaving this world,
If only for a moment,
Were struck down once again.

And I landed 
With a crash

And a slight burn,

Back
Into
Reality."

"Better Than The Books"



"Better Than The Books"

"I want to be winked at
From across the room.
To be kissed on the forehead.
To be hugged so intensely that enjoyment is inevitable.

I want to see bright eyes
And a smile
Behind the hand that cups my chin.
I want to feel adored.

I want to be rescued.
I want time spent with me to be precious.
I want conversation without words.
I want life to be better than the books I read.

I want goals met,
Travels taken,
And dreams dreamt...
Together.

I want rocks,
Pictures,
Stars,
And poetry.

I want the overwhelming truth
Of what I feel
To be evident also
In your eyes."


"A Couple Of Shoes"





"A Couple Of Shoes"

"Head bent; she looks at her hands.
Folded; tightly clasped in her lap.
Her nerves begin to bead in her palms.
Try, as she might, not to see the truth
She looks in his eyes.

Void of a 'yes' or a 'no'
Her stone face shows no turn to his proposal.
Only from the color and the clenching
Of her fists
Can I assume...

but he, unnoticed, goes not.
On the edge of his seat
Ready to run after
Or beg,
Whichever is needed.

Both shoes I have filled:

Wary heart;
Wanting nothing-but to give
But unable to release.

Unrestrained, ecstatic love;
Wanting all
Always giving more.

After all is said and done,
I'd rather go barefoot."

A Poem About Nothing


I was asked, by a friend, to write a poem about nothing.  So I did.

"Sometimes Nothing Means Everything"

"Nothing is wrong,"
I lie through my teeth.
And by nothing, I mean everything.

"Nothing is there,"
I tell those who ask.
And by nothing, I mean my world.

"Nothing happened,"
I cringe, as I hold back the truth in my eyes.
And by nothing, I mean nothing I'll admit to you,

For fear of shame,
Heartache,
And acceptance of the nothing I've buried for so long.

Sometimes nothing can mean everything.

So when I tell you, "Nothing's wrong,"
I'm lying; everything's wrong.
And all I want, is for you to see it in my eyes.

When I tell everyone that, "Nothing's there,"
I'm lying; everything's there,
In your hands, my world.

When I tell you, "Nothing happened,"
I'm lying; everything happened,
All at once.

And when I say, "Everything's fine,"
I'm lying.
Nothing is ever fine.

"After For Fought"


I feel like this poem is slightly hard to understand for someone who isn't apt to poetry. I apologize for that. If you'd like an explanation, just let me know.

"After For Fought"

"The simple things
That give us means
Of finding true delight, 
Are often free
But other times
Turn pleasure into plight.

Assumed escape; 
A call for help
From what we long to keep,
Can burn our tongues, 
More ways than one,
And blind us from our sleep.

A sleep that keeps 
Our eyes shut tight,
Abstaining from seeing our flaws,
We find, in time, 
And always too late,
That the fault is once again caused.

Refusal to wake, damnation to insane,
Self-crafted irons to unyielding pain,
This waiting for naught and feelings distraught:
Causation of strain to an innocent heart.
The future a hope and constant in dreams,
Praying for assurance by, any means.

The answer, far from
The preferable turn,
In turn does burn, cause
A new train of thought,
Strengthened only by faith and
A prayer, after for fought."

"Goldfish On The Pavement"










This is my sister poem to T.J.'s "Sprinkles On The Asphalt".
I am very proud of this poem more so because of my mimic of the aforementioned poem.

"Goldfish On The Pavement"

"Not one second less than ten hours ago, this pavement was bare.

It was not covered with tiny, edible goldfish.

How this became can only be explained by the retelling of events, taking place only a few seconds less than ten hours ago.

One hundred-fifty-plus dollars and change were collected and spent that night on...

Whoa! That's a lot of drink to be consumed in only a few short hours.

But consumed they are in too short of a time by a bunch of silly games and pointless competition-ball-in-the-cup-bounce back-house rules-questions-mates-circle-of-death created only to ensure that maximum amounts of liquid was consumed.

Unhindered by such silly thoughts they scream and yell and make memories they won't remember:

Friendships formed and emotions expressed from the depths of their soul,

But in their depths it remains not for long as the one hundred-fifty-plus dollars worth of drink purchased

Is mixed and shot and displayed through the stumbling and the stammering of those who consumed.

Some tried them all but some stuck with one and that one suddenly craved goldfish.

And as one might expect the effects of one hundred-fifty-plus dollars worth of drink to have, the goldfish were carelessly and recklessly flung over the edge of a three-story balcony, down to the pavement below.

The irony of this situation is...that just a few seconds later than ten hours from the flinging of the goldfish ( and the subsequent forgetting of the same),

All the physical proof evident to the world that would indicate tde fun had here last night will be just that:

Goldfish on the pavement.

All the memories made that night, you may inquire to find, but you will find naught but goldfish on the pavement.

The love that one's friend-brother-comfort-salvation extended to him will be far from any form of recollection.

Others cannot describe or begin to imagine the dignity lost by one boy with his head hung low as he adds to the pavements decor with a not so pretty decoration.

Only by the empty bottles, lingering headache and bed-side trash bin will his mind begin the work of reforming the words he said the night before.

Of all the things he has been shown, his actions by his friends, to him made known, no stranger will know and n'er understand.

So if you're seeking here to see what was done last night, then venture elsewhere you must because the only meaningful mess of last night left here,

Are goldfish on the pavement."


"Heroes Lost"


This was written while sitting in our campus coffee shop at ASU.
I would consider this a poem of mockery with a serious message.

"Perched upon my singled-out, iconic bar stool,
Spot-lighted at a side-lined table
With my cup of coffee and singed tongue,
I listen to the roar of conversation that has
Distracted my already scattered train of thought.
So much is being spoken that none of it makes sense.
But I feel that if all was isolated,
Each of those conversing would continue in their lack of sense
And meaning.

I sit back and accept my loss at being lost in my own thoughts.
Curious now, I counter their invasion into my thoughts
With an invasion of my own.
Some would call it eaves-dropping.
Others would claim it as invasion of privacy.
I feel no guilt, for it was they who attacked first.
I am simply returning the favor.

And if they choose to gloat about their illegal, less-than-respectable
Rendezvous
Loud enough to bring one as I out of a deep, philosophical daydream,
I consider that a personal invitation.
Therefore, I accept their invitation
And I look forward to the cheese,
And the wine,
And the stories that they will laugh at now,
But will one day cringe at the mention of
As they admit to these acts
In the presence of those who once held them in high regards.
And the pain that they will see in the eyes
Of those heroes
Will never match the shame that will be in their own eyes,
In that very moment."

"What Would You Do?"


I now start the posting of some poems that I have written.  
This one was written back in high school....not some of my finest moments but learning points nevertheless.

"What do you do when someone breaks your broken heart? 
Do you even bother picking up the pieces? 
Or do you just leave them apart? 
After all, it’s just gonna break again, right?

What do you do when all your hopes come crashing down? 
Do you hope for a miracle? 
Or do you just stare at the wreckage aimlessly? 
After all, you expected it, right?

What do you do when someone lets you down? 
Or someone pushes you and you fall? 
Do you even bother getting up? 
Or do you just lay still, knowing you’re gonna fall again anyway?

What do you do when shadows fill your life? 
Do you even bother finding light? 
Or do you just shiver in that lonesome cold,
Knowing that searching is futile and unwise?

What do you do with your life when nothing could get worse? 
When there are no more dreams, no more hopes, no more light? 
Do you still struggle and try to rise above your fate? 
Or just let it take you and surrender to the mighty wave?

What do you do when nothing seems to matter? 
When you don’t matter anymore? 
Do you wallow in self pity and doubt? 
Do you curse and rant and wreak havoc about?

What do you do when there are no longer happy endings, 
And all that is left is misery and remorse? 
Do you still wish to live and die trying? 
Or do you just want to die?

What do you do when there’s nothing left for you, 
And you are an aimless ghost flitting through eternities of sorrow,
Forever made to suffer and mourn and grieve for a life 
So empty and without reprieve?

What do you do? 
How do you cope? 
What would you do… 
...if you were me…?

..........
..........
..........

I would still hope, even when rationality, in my mind, 
Goes hand in hand with insanity. 
Because hope is as real as the hopelessness 
And light will never shine without darkness. 

I would pray because faith keeps me grounded. 
Yes, things could get worse 
But i would still love until my heart were grained to pieces 
As fine as the tear drenched sand. 
For a single grain of sand is all it takes 
For a pearl to emerge from the ocean’s hand. 

I would stand up, 
I would search, 
I would struggle, 
For dreams,
For light, 
For hope, 
For at least an end to an unrelenting misery.

I would do anything but surrender…"

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

"Eventually" Seems Forever From Now

"What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived-these things God has prepared for those who love him." -I Corinthians 2:9

Patience.  I hate the word.  Every time I find myself in a situation that I am happy in, comfortable with and even hopeful about, it is taken away from and I am made to wait.  But, after 11 months, I have come to realize that patience isn't the issue.  It's a trust thing.  It's not about wanting it to happen now.  It's about trusting that it will happen eventually.  

The same thing applies when we have an issue with accepting grace.  Yes we all have fallen short and have continually failed the God that we love and thus we have a hard time accepting forgiveness.  But our inability to accept God's love has nothing to do with our inability to accept and move on from our failures.  It is really our inability to trust God to overlook those things and love us despite the fact.  In doing so, we are limiting God's ability to love and denying his gift of grace.  This is what Jesus died for.  When we refuse to accept God's grace we refuse to accept Jesus' gift of the cross.  In a way, we belittle his act of sacrifice.  Next time you fail, and you will, and you refuse to let yourself accept the fact that God loves you anyway, remember that you're being selfish.  You can do nothing so horrifying that God is incapable of loving you.  Get over yourself and let Love happen.  

Back to the whole patience versus trust thing.  As a human, I really do hate the idea and practice of patience.  I want things to happen in my time, when I want them to.  But, I'm ok with things happening in God's time.  I'm o.k. with that, I really am.  I'm just worried that something's going to happen that God's not going to count on and things are going to get messed up.  That whole thought is completely ridiculous!!  We have no idea what is going to happen towards the end of the week, let alone at the end of 4 years!  My mind cannot comprehend God's ability to see now and forever.  The fact that God has taken his time to plan out my entire life down to the dual colors of my eyes is so foreign to me.  So, patience all comes down to trust.  The fear of things not happening is so human it's almost disgusting when compared to the brilliance of God.  This is all very random and unorganized but such are the thoughts in my head right now.  At least I made an effort to put it on paper and share it with you all.  That's what I got out of my reading this morning, something I haven't done for quite a while, but hope to make it habit.