Warning....LOTS OF LANGUAGE!

A monologue from Ethan Cohen's "Almost An Evening". A quick summary, The God Who Judges and The God Who Loves are at a conference and they are taking turns addressing the people of the world about some problems they have with the way humans have been acting. I don't necessarily agree with Ethan Cohen having one of his versions of God be such a potty mouth, but it is to the point and kind of entertaining.

The God Who Judges: "What do we call it? What do we call it? Anyone? What do we call it, we call it the Ten Commandments. Okay? Not the Ten fucking Suggestions. They are a fucking moral imperative, you miserable sacks of shit. Now I want to see this shit observed. Okay. And this imperative - let me just clarify here because I know there's been some confusion - this is for everybody, this is not just for the Jews. This is universal shit here, you don't go, you know, Cayman Islands wherever, you know, when in Rome, oh I'll just covet the Roman neighbor's wife, her pussy doesn't count. Bullshit. That is relativistic horseshit. That is the Roman neighbor's wife's pussy fallacy and I call bullshit on that. I don't give a rat's ass where, Polynesia, they're topless, oh it's nature, they don't perceive it as sin, whatever, different cultures, the Eskimos have forty-seven words for snow - I don't give a shit. It applies to them too. This shit applies. And this is not just some guy up here talking through his asshole. I hope you numbskulls have not forgotten who decides this shit. You don't decide this deep moral shit. Or when and where it applies. Are you kidding me - with your puny fucking brains? You don't know the stage capitals and you're gonna decide this moral shit? No no. I decide, and I fucking am that Am. So don't talk to me about the fucking Roman's neighbor's wife. Dipshits. Okay. Then there's the whining. I want less of the whining. I don't know why this pissing and moaning has gotten so bad lately. I mean, we've always had some candybutts, but now it's everybody. And it's worse in these cities here. You people going to shows, this is the kind of people where it's worse. So if the shoe fits. You know, "My parents were withholding. You weren't there for me. Daddy use to curse at me," all this crap. And not just you-ruined-my-life shit. Little things. Parking. Fuck, parking. "Oh, it took us so long to park." You know, you sons of bitches used to walk. Or ride asses. And you're gonna drive a fucking Lexus here and bitch about having to spend ten minutes parking? Are you fucking shitting me? Okay, next time try riding an ass to the show. See how comfortable that is. See if you wanna bitch about finding a spot then, ya buncha fucking crybabies. Fuck, maybe you'd like me to follow you through your whole cushy ass life with a parking spot, kick it along after you like your suitcase in line at the airport so you never have to drive around turning your head to the left and right. And maybe you want grapes dropped in your mouth too, pitless, and the girls with the feather fans, and maybe a little piece of velvet, maybe this big, you want it grazed back and forth across your buttocks very gently at all times to make you feel just exactly perfect. Is that fucking sufficient? You got nothing else to whine about now? Have I taken care of all of your desires to your absolute total fucking satisfaction you kvetching little shits? Okay, and then there's the weird shit. I don't even know what to call it but I think you all know what I'm talking about. So I want you to fucking cut it out. Like the body piercing. What in the name of fuck is that? Made in my image right? And you're gonna what, put metal rings through it? This, by you, is an improvement? And through the lips, and the nipples now? I mean the ears, the pierced ears, I didn't like it but I held my tongue. But this? And now, through the penis, some of you people, and the vulvas? What next, hitting yourselves in the heads with fishbats? You say, well, body piercing, it isn't forbidden - well, some shit I never told you not to do because WHO'S GONNA DO THIS? Are you fucking nuts? I gotta tell you not to stick metal rings in your vulvas? What, for your car keys? You don't have pockets? This weird shit, I'm sorry, I'm lost. So, let's just knock it off. So, there's that. But sin - before I turn the floor over, I gotta repeat, lest I leave the wrong impression - serious sin, this is still my main beef with you people - false God, neighbor's wife, et cetera. The other stuff - body piercing, huffing gasoline, betting on chicken fights - what are you doing? But that is nothing to this sin shit that you fuckheads persist in pulling each and every damn day of the year. Yea, some of the Shabbas even. Maybe I understand it more than the weird shit, yeah, but that is not permission. I will kick your fucking ass. Count on it. "

Shakespeare On Love?

Here is an adaptation that I have written. It's considered an adaptation because it's taking the stories that Shakespeare has already written and twisting them a bit. Tell me honestly what you think. I could spend more time on this perfecting it so this is definitely a rough draft. Thanks for your comments!!

Shakespeare On Love?

[Curtain up on a single spotlight CS. Enter Ophelia, dripping wet, from CSR x to CS spotlight. Holds paper, begins to read.]

“Dear Juliet,

I don’t know how you did it, but the first time I had sex with my man, I got pregnant. That’s right, I’m pregnant. I’ve actually hidden it quite well, but sometimes I say things that could give it away, if people would actually pay attention to me. My boyfriend, who is crazy if you didn’t know, almost gave us away once too, claiming that he would have wed me if I hadn’t come to his bed. Thankfully we were alone, seeing as most of the house hold is terrified of him after he STABBED MY FATHER. Yea, like I said, crazy. Oh, and also, he claims to have seen his father walking around the grounds a couple of times. His father is dead. Of course, the guy that knocks me up is the one that looses his mind. Sometimes, he’s really sweet to me, but then he begins speaking nonsense and calling me a whore! It’s enough dealing with the pains and aches and annoyances of having a child growing inside of me, but then having a bipolar nutcase for a boyfriend?! I can’t do it anymore! I don’t want to have this kid, let alone have it by myself or with a father who’s certifiably insane! If you can’t help me, then I have no choice but to throw myself in the pond out behind the castle in the gardens.

Bloatedly Waiting,

Ophelia”

[Ophelia exits CSL. Enter Lady M., with blood on her dress, from CSR x to CS spotlight. Holds paper, begins to read.]

“Dear Juliet,

My husband is an idiot. He has been given a bit of information that could change his life and my life drastically, and definitely for the better! Apparently, he was told by a couple of kooks out in the woods that he was going to become king. The only problem is that there is already a king in place. I personally think our course of action is pretty plain and simple. But my husband is having problems dealing with his conscience and what might happen afterwards. He is such a pansy!! Why am I, the woman, more balsy than the man? Isn’t committing murder like a man’s secret wet dream or something? How did I end up with the guy, with such a promising future, turn out being a paranoid little bitch? I mean, if I’m doing all the work, why should he get to be the ruler of Scotland. Hell, he’s more of a queen than a king.

Married To A Fairy,

Lady Macbeth”

[Lady M. exits CSL. Enter Rosaline, wearing a tight low cut dress and a bouquet of dead roses, from CSR x to CS spotlight. Holds paper, begins to read.]

“Dear Juliet,

Hi. Remember me? I’m the one who Romeo was in love with before you batted your pathetic, squinty little eyes. Also, wasn’t it way past your bedtime when that party started? I mean, you are 13 right? So, that means Romeo was 16? If you weren’t aware, that’s illegal you child whore. Did you know that he was coming to see me that night? Yea, he promised to sneak in to the party to dance with me. But then you had to disobey your father and sneak down to a party that you weren’t suppose to be at in the first place! Thank you for ruining what could have been the best evening of my life. Bitch. So tell me, how was the sex? How did Romeo like your snoring? Yes that’s right. You snore like a bear. That’s not a very attractive quality. Maybe that’s why he rushed out of your bed the next morning so quickly. Afraid of being caught in your bed? Psh! Yea right. Romeo is an idiot. That never would have crossed his mind when a naked girl is lying next to him. The sun coming up was a perfect excuse for him to get the hell away from you for a while. Why did he marry you then? Because you’re so damn pushy!! You had just met him and then you want to marry him within 24 hours?! I don’t mean to be rude, but your relationship was doomed from the beginning. I hope it was worth it. Bitch.

Bitter but Beautiful,

Rosaline”

[Rosaline exits CSL. Enter Petruchio, bruised and bandaged, from CSR x to CS spotlight.]

“Dear Juliet,

Ok, fine. I married my wife for money. Yes, I said that I didn’t care what type of woman she was. But really?! This bitch is crazy!! She is sharp-tongued, quick-tempered, and prone to violence, especially towards those who wish to marry her!! But I may have been late for my own wedding, forced her to move to a different county, starved her of food and sleep, all within the first week of our marriage, but have you ever met my Katherine?! She would sure as hell throw a shoe at your head if you even glanced at her sister when you came to call upon her. What was I thinking? Her father didn’t even give me enough money to pay for the hospital bills that I’m bound to receive….and not my own bills either. The bills of all those poor, unsuspecting men who happen to look at her wrongly as they pass on the street or at the market!

Rethinking,

Petruchio”

[Petruchio exits CSL. Enter Titania, with a handkerchief over her nose, from CSR x to CS spotlight.]

“Dear Juliet,

I fell in love with a man who had an asses head. A half goat half man made this happen. I don’t really feel like any more explanation is needed. I kind of wish my lover would have swallowed poison.

Reason To Be Bitter,

Titania, Queen of the Elves”

[Titania exits CSL. Enter William Shakespeare, wearing traditional garb and carrying a quill, from CSR x to CS spotlight.]

“Dear Juliet,

I hear that you have been getting these letters from other characters that I’ve created and that they are unhappy with their love lives. You say that you are at a loss of what to tell them? Well, why in the world would they write to you and tell you their problems in the first place? I do realize that your story is extremely romantic and for some reason, desired by all of those who hear it. And I guess I do see how people would long for your romance story…minus the ending, of course. Sorry about that. It really had nothing to do with you and Romeo. It had all to do with your idiotic parents and their feud, but back to your letters. You say you don’t know what to tell them? Why not? You of all my characters are the only one who truly understands love!

Love was not placed in the world so that we, ourselves, could experience enjoyment or fulfillment. Love has nothing to do with us. Love has everything to with “them”; our Romeo or our Juliet. It is love only when that other person is more important than us. From what you tell me, each of these letters that you have received is dripping with selfishness. This disgusts me and saddens me. That is not how I meant for love to be portrayed.

Love is meant to be selfless and dangerous and all encompassing. Love was meant to be like yours and poor Romeo’s. Yes, some of my characters have been betrayed and, as they think, ill matched. But that is not the case. Love is about allowing yourself to be hurt, all for the purpose of knowing that person, and being known by, better than anyone else has ever before.

Love is not about beauty. Love is about a connection; bonding with another human and understanding that person with just a simple glance. That one of your affection may be hard to deal with. But love is just that: dealing with someone despite the difficulty and because of that, loving them more and more at the end of each day.

The love that I have written has been lost within the action of my characters. Though love does involve some action, it is more so found in the words. Love is confession of ones inner most thoughts and convictions. It is honest and truthful. Love has nothing to do with outward appearances or assumptions. Love is about connection and honesty and unabated passion. You, of all people, Juliet should know this and understand this without question.

Parting is such sweet sorrow,

W. Shakespeare”

[William Shakespeare places quill in the center of the spotlight and exits CSR. CS spotlight remains on the quill for a few seconds before fading to black.]

Words, words, words...

I could make love out of words as a potter makes cups out of clay 

love that overthrows empires, 

love that binds two hearts together come hellfire and brimstones