Warning....LOTS OF LANGUAGE!

A monologue from Ethan Cohen's "Almost An Evening". A quick summary, The God Who Judges and The God Who Loves are at a conference and they are taking turns addressing the people of the world about some problems they have with the way humans have been acting. I don't necessarily agree with Ethan Cohen having one of his versions of God be such a potty mouth, but it is to the point and kind of entertaining.

The God Who Judges: "What do we call it? What do we call it? Anyone? What do we call it, we call it the Ten Commandments. Okay? Not the Ten fucking Suggestions. They are a fucking moral imperative, you miserable sacks of shit. Now I want to see this shit observed. Okay. And this imperative - let me just clarify here because I know there's been some confusion - this is for everybody, this is not just for the Jews. This is universal shit here, you don't go, you know, Cayman Islands wherever, you know, when in Rome, oh I'll just covet the Roman neighbor's wife, her pussy doesn't count. Bullshit. That is relativistic horseshit. That is the Roman neighbor's wife's pussy fallacy and I call bullshit on that. I don't give a rat's ass where, Polynesia, they're topless, oh it's nature, they don't perceive it as sin, whatever, different cultures, the Eskimos have forty-seven words for snow - I don't give a shit. It applies to them too. This shit applies. And this is not just some guy up here talking through his asshole. I hope you numbskulls have not forgotten who decides this shit. You don't decide this deep moral shit. Or when and where it applies. Are you kidding me - with your puny fucking brains? You don't know the stage capitals and you're gonna decide this moral shit? No no. I decide, and I fucking am that Am. So don't talk to me about the fucking Roman's neighbor's wife. Dipshits. Okay. Then there's the whining. I want less of the whining. I don't know why this pissing and moaning has gotten so bad lately. I mean, we've always had some candybutts, but now it's everybody. And it's worse in these cities here. You people going to shows, this is the kind of people where it's worse. So if the shoe fits. You know, "My parents were withholding. You weren't there for me. Daddy use to curse at me," all this crap. And not just you-ruined-my-life shit. Little things. Parking. Fuck, parking. "Oh, it took us so long to park." You know, you sons of bitches used to walk. Or ride asses. And you're gonna drive a fucking Lexus here and bitch about having to spend ten minutes parking? Are you fucking shitting me? Okay, next time try riding an ass to the show. See how comfortable that is. See if you wanna bitch about finding a spot then, ya buncha fucking crybabies. Fuck, maybe you'd like me to follow you through your whole cushy ass life with a parking spot, kick it along after you like your suitcase in line at the airport so you never have to drive around turning your head to the left and right. And maybe you want grapes dropped in your mouth too, pitless, and the girls with the feather fans, and maybe a little piece of velvet, maybe this big, you want it grazed back and forth across your buttocks very gently at all times to make you feel just exactly perfect. Is that fucking sufficient? You got nothing else to whine about now? Have I taken care of all of your desires to your absolute total fucking satisfaction you kvetching little shits? Okay, and then there's the weird shit. I don't even know what to call it but I think you all know what I'm talking about. So I want you to fucking cut it out. Like the body piercing. What in the name of fuck is that? Made in my image right? And you're gonna what, put metal rings through it? This, by you, is an improvement? And through the lips, and the nipples now? I mean the ears, the pierced ears, I didn't like it but I held my tongue. But this? And now, through the penis, some of you people, and the vulvas? What next, hitting yourselves in the heads with fishbats? You say, well, body piercing, it isn't forbidden - well, some shit I never told you not to do because WHO'S GONNA DO THIS? Are you fucking nuts? I gotta tell you not to stick metal rings in your vulvas? What, for your car keys? You don't have pockets? This weird shit, I'm sorry, I'm lost. So, let's just knock it off. So, there's that. But sin - before I turn the floor over, I gotta repeat, lest I leave the wrong impression - serious sin, this is still my main beef with you people - false God, neighbor's wife, et cetera. The other stuff - body piercing, huffing gasoline, betting on chicken fights - what are you doing? But that is nothing to this sin shit that you fuckheads persist in pulling each and every damn day of the year. Yea, some of the Shabbas even. Maybe I understand it more than the weird shit, yeah, but that is not permission. I will kick your fucking ass. Count on it. "