Love
....my God....my past
....myself
That's my problem. After almost a year and a half of spiritual stillness I have finally been able to come up with an explanation. Love. That's something that I've struggled with, not in a spiritual sense, for the past year and a half. But it all stems from the same thing. Choices.....not my best about a year ago. But I made them and I can't change them. But due to those choices, I slowly began to hate myself for them. With hate like that going un-acknowledge, it begins to cultivate into other areas of one's life. That's where I fell. As I slowly continued hating myself, I lost understanding as to why anyone else would love me, so I pulled myself away from those around me. Most people probably wouldn't have noticed, but I cut of my connection and comfort with people. Not only those around me either. I just sort of stopped trying with God. I never felt guilty about my choices so I just accepted that I didn't have any right to talk to Him anymore. So I stopped. After a few months I had no desire to even try. What bothered me the most was that I had no desire to want to make things in my life right. I was content to have no spiritual pull whatsoever.
I miss it. I miss Him and everything that I felt when I was close to Him. I know that sounds cliche but I'm longing for it now. I want to close my eyes and feel content and comfortable and happy in His presence. I want to have that Love so that I can express it to others. I want to be complete again so that I can be myself. Because there's people who I care about who I want to see the real me and experience the real, complete me. So far, not many people have in the past year. I even had a friend say to me one night, "Carlyn, you are one of the most beautiful girls I've ever met. But you're also one of the saddest."
How am I suppose to show love to those around me when it's obvious to them that I don't have any love for myself?
I have been/still am in a similar place of spiritual stillness, so I can't really tell you the solution, 'cause I don't know it yet. But I can say that going to the cross is never a bad solution.
ReplyDeleteAnd by go the cross, I mean devote yourself to prayer and scripture reading. I can only hope that even if you have no desire at first, it will come once you've taken the dive.